On A Ride Away From, and Yet Through, The Undead
A Passionate Tale of Zombies and Public Transportation
originally published on Wattpad (13th August 2022)
Episode 00
Copyright (or rather, Copyleft) Notice
By reading, sharing, and making derivatives of this work, you agree that you will not acknowledge my authorship of this work, or make any reference to me existing at any time, at all. You see I'm really uncomfortable with the idea of existing or being referred to so just pretend you found this in an archaeological dig or something and you don't know who wrote it, or else you are obliged to destroy any records of this work's existence and allow it to be lost to the winds of time, like idk the ashes of the Library of Alexandria or something.
In ancient times, text was shared by on-demand handwritten copying. People could, and often did, do random fucking changes because it was funny. I have decided to do something similar with this work. By reading it, you are legally obligated to plagiarise it.
Episode 01
The Bus Returns
As the arm fell onto the floor, its rotten flesh splattered all over the floor of the bus. With one swing, the door of the bus was now free to close without obstruction. Ambivalent to the wild symphony of pounding that the swarm of the undead performed on its windows, the bus took off, one puff of unburnt fuel at a time.
Alex collapsed onto the nearest seat, his breathless body leaving him and his axe to the whims of gravity. As he eventually picked himself back up, his eyes were met with the intense gaze of another soul, staring right back at him. He realised that he was looking at the window, and the eyes belonged to the decapitated head of a zombie, whose torso had likely gotten off several stops before. Now Alex felt cheated. For a moment he thought he had found a lover, someone to hold close in these desperate times. Another soul, running away to a different life after a difficult divorce (from its neck). But alas, the reason for its loneliness was the very same reason it had no means to give consent. Just as Alex broke into tears, being forever a loser virgin, he felt a tap on his shoulder.
"Hey there." She sat down next to Alex. "I see you are maidenless. My name is Amber." Alex shook her hand, and Amber sat next to him. "People ask if it's because I'm a redhead, but the truth is, my title is because I am an orange.' Applause erupted from the back of the bus. Turning their capacious heads towards the sound, two blue-haired teenagers were cheering on Amber's bravery in coming out on Fuck Those Orange Bitches Awareness Day. Alex breathed a sigh of relief. Perhaps now that the protagonists of this anime were on board, he might be a bit safer. Or he might get a free circumcision on behalf of the zombies. Either way, the future felt brighter.
Episode 02
Alex Fucking Dies
People often say that change requires hard work. They are right. Whether it is the toppling of dictators, revolutions in status quo, or a single person trying to change their life for the better, no step worth remembering - or any monument worth building - has ever been possible without the sweat, tears and blood of ordinary people.
Such could not be said about the change in population of fucking freeloaders inside the bus, which had seemingly quadrupled whenever Alex closed his eyes to blink a simple blink. Indeed, now every asshole in the city seemed to shelter in Alex and Amber's now-public transit, much to the chagrin of any bus captain who had the decency of respecting social distancing and fire safety laws.
Amber checked every single one of them coming aboard, looking for any contradiction in their personal details, any little infraction with which she could use to eject them back onto the streets. But alas, they came prepared. Amber could not kick anyone out who had their London bus pass on them, and they all did. Quite strange considering they were not in London. As such, any human or creature (lawyers do not count) had to be allowed onboard once they began to exist, and for up to 6 months after stopping.
Predictably, it was not long before the bus was simply too heavy to stay in the air. The already over-stressed engine, which had been powering their journey the entire time, had been shamefully reduced to a rhythmic farting out of its last litres of fuel, like a lactose intolerant drummer, pining for the glory of the past.
It was time to put the hammer down. With an iron fist, Alex marched down the bus, every footstep reverberating like the gavel of a judge declaring martial law. His eyes fixed on the first anime character he saw. With a Jackie Chan chop, the bitch was spanked until her thicc ass was thicc no more. Row by row, many an ass was beaten, no one safe from the righteous vengeance that turned Alex's eyes blood red. But he had made a terrible miscalculation.
You see, Alex never watched the entirety of Up. Only to the point at which he could justify to himself supporting anarcho-capitalism, after which he simply disappeared from the cinema. He never got to the point where Gustavo Fring declared to the world "it is Up'in time" and promptly fell down a flight of stairs, educating the audience on the importance of large bottoms in our society. After his transgression, God came down to apologise to everyone before Thanos-snapping Alex out of existence. Somebody said "Well, that just happened!" in the back, causing the entire bus to beat him to death.
"Like the graceful Naruto fan who lives only for a day
Or a leaf falling down to the earth
Our bus is grateful for us to be here"
- our homosexual mothers
Episode 03
Everyone Learned An Important Lesson About Society
In order to celebrate Christmas, Jason took a dump. For him, it was everything. The Xmas shit represented Light vs. Dark, Good vs. Evil. It was the end of the world, and yet also Creation itself. He learned quickly to sing as loudly as possible to hide his intentions from his landlord, who did not take kindly to the circular nature of food and defecation. This landlord, let us call him BITCH, took every effort to disguise the laws of nature to his children. When his chandelier fell from his ceiling, he covered their eyes, yelled as loudly as he could, and tattooed them with imagery of Matt Damon. The kids quickly associated the end of Jason Bourne with the start of a new year.
Now, with the apocalypse upon them, these two rivals were stuck on the bus together. Following old habits, BITCH took it upon himself to race to the back row of seats, make a clever investment of $0 to claim the land (by loudy belting "For He's a Jolly Good Fellow" from his boat), and then add value to the economy by charging people exorbitant rates to live. Following his own old habits, Jason sat on BITCH's head and crapped on it. There was now a problem of lack of toilet paper, as BITCH had skilfully invested in cutting the queue at the supermarket to buy all the toilet paper.
With no money to pay BITCH for the luxury of a clean, blank slate on his bottom, Jason had no choice to immediately cease living, leaving BITCH declaring victory over his lifetime adversary. "FUCK THE POOR FUCK THE POOR FUCK THE POOR FUCK THE-" before his lungs, overworked for their entire lives, decided to go on strike.
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