In order to celebrate Christmas, Jason took a dump. For him, it was everything. The Xmas shit represented Light vs. Dark, Good vs. Evil. It was the end of the world, and yet also Creation itself. He learned quickly to sing as loudly as possible to hide his intentions from his landlord, who did not take kindly to the circular nature of food and defecation. This landlord, let us call him BITCH, took every effort to disguise the laws of nature to his children. When his chandelier fell from his ceiling, he covered their eyes, yelled as loudly as he could, and tattooed them with imagery of Matt Damon. The kids quickly associated the end of Jason Bourne with the start of a new year.
Now, with the apocalypse upon them, these two rivals were stuck on the bus together. Following old habits, BITCH took it upon himself to race to the back row of seats, make a clever investment of $0 to claim the land (by loudy belting "For He's a Jolly Good Fellow" from his boat), and then add value to the economy by charging people exorbitant rates to live. Following his own old habits, Jason sat on BITCH's head and crapped on it. There was now a problem of lack of toilet paper, as BITCH had skilfully invested in cutting the queue at the supermarket to buy all the toilet paper.
With no money to pay BITCH for the luxury of a clean, blank slate on his bottom, Jason had no choice to immediately cease living, leaving BITCH declaring victory over his lifetime adversary. "FUCK THE POOR FUCK THE POOR FUCK THE POOR FUCK THE-" before his lungs, overworked for their entire lives, decided to go on strike.